Behind the Smile

Last night I cried and cried.

I mustered up enough strength to bathe.

I could hear my mother’s voice saying, a lady is alwayssupposed to be clean.

So, I make sure to wash away the debris from each day.

As the water steamed from my naked body the tears run downthe sides of my cheeks.

Paralyzed in situations most times I just feel weak.

Surrounded by love and I can’t feel a thing.

I wake up and beat my face to death with this makeup.

Transforming into the woman that will give you a show,

If you only knew how much I be putting on, you’ll be tippingme saying, you put on a hell of a show.

The unwanted guests visit me on the daily.

I get down in the floor screaming, God please save me.

Depression, stress, these guests are real.

I don’t ask for help because I’m ashamed of how I feel.

Society has painted a, “don’t worry, be happy” “F the world,just live” kind of place.  

So, I hide behind this smile.

Truth is this smile is slowly killing me.

This smile drains the heck out of me.

Just for one minute, I’ll give you a sneak peak.

Most days I’m tired.

I feel like I’m alone.

A phone full of contacts and no one to call.

Surrounded by family and friends and I’m still empty.

I’m lost.  

My mind roams and I try to chase it down.

Most days I’m up, but I’m feeling down.

I don’t feel beautiful.

My lover only loves me when he’s satisfied.

I spoil people and neglect myself.

I break my neck to get others help and I can’t even helpmyself.  

I work my but off because good work ethics were instilled inme.

Can I make mistakes without being judged?  

I pray, I pray, and I pray some more.

You ask me, how I’m doing, I smile and say, I’m doing justfine.

Truth is I’m barely making it, this smile, I don’t know howmuch longer I can fake it.

Mental Illness is real and it’s okay to feel what you feel.There is hope and there is help.

Written By: Marquisha Applewhite